Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Let the Fun Begin

Tomorrow morning is my appointment with Dr. Young to talk about all the fun details of chemotherapy. We'll go over the full pathology report and talk about all the neat stuff they found when they removed my breasts. You know the really sad part? There is still that part of me that hopes when I go in there that she'll say it was all a mistake. I want her to tell me that after they removed my breasts, they found no cancer; that I never had cancer. I know what you're thinking and I promise you - I PROMISE you - I'm ok if they tell me there was never any cancer in my breasts. Ok, what you're really thinking is that this isn't going to happen. She won't say that to me. Give me a 1 in 10 chance, though, ok?

They've removed my breasts. I still can't look in the mirror when I get out of the shower. BUT! I would rather my breasts were removed needlessly than to live with the fear that one day this cancer will return. Worse than that is the fear that I'm not going to survive this. I'd rather be a grandmother who never should have had her breasts removed than a mother whose children have to watch slowly die. I do think about dying. I can't help it. Everyone is telling me to keep a positive attitude. That's not possible for me to do everyday. I do try.

I don't want chemotherapy. If they tell me there was never any cancer, I wouldn't have to have chemo. I'd be fine with them having made a mistake. I've said my prayers to God asking Him to change His mind, because I don't want to go through all this. Is it really too late now, God? I promise I won't sue the doctors or hospitals or anyone. I'll be happy the cancer was never there. Please.

God has a plan for me - I may not like it; I may get angry, but I know my life is completely in His hands:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
2 A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace


  1. I'll be thinking of you.. I wish you all the best in your chemo treatments.. stay strong.. beat this beast.. I love this entry you have done.. gives others hope ..and remember time is of the essence... right now you have the time ... give it all you have... now it is your TIME to do all of the above.. sending many prayers your way..you so deserve the chance to live your life to it's fullest..

  2. Not silly at all, I'm hoping for the same thing for you. However it that doesn't come to pass, my prayer is still for you to be the breastless grandma.