Tuesday, May 5, 2009

It's All Good - Even When It's Bad

I had decided yesterday that I was going to take a break from my laptop. My laptop is my link to nonstop cancer. As you can tell, I've changed my color scheme on my blog page. I got tired of the pink ribbons. I'm tired of all pink things. I'm tired of the musician Pink. (She wrote a song rubbing her ex-husband's face in the fact that she's a rock star. Maybe he was such a lousy husband because all she would do was talk about how she was a rock star and he wasn't.) I'm tired of cancer and all things cancer related.

Taking a break from my laptop probably isn't something I'm going to be able to do. But I am burned out. I have several chemo side effects that are keeping me from going out and frolicking in the sun. Truth be told, yesterday I had decided it was time to just quit chemo. I have a tired that has set in my body and taken control of my life in a way that is impossible to explain. The only people who know what "it's a tired you've never felt in your entire life" means are the ones who have had chemo. I decided before I announced to my family and doctors that I was quitting chemo, I'd test the water with one of my closest friends. The conversation went EXACTLY like this:

Me: After much prayer I've been thinking maybe I'm not going to finish my chemo treatments.
AB: Why?
Me: The side effects are more than I can handle. I've lost my sense of taste; I've got sores in my mouth; my muscles hurts, but especially the ones in my legs - making it extremely painful to walk; my eyes burn, itch and are swollen; and the pain in my rear has returned.
AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you're not quitting chemo.
Me: But all my side effects?
AB: Suck it up - you're half way through.
Me: Ok, but I am going to take a long break from writing in my blog.
AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you're going to keep writing in your blog, because it is extremely insightful and people want - no, people NEED to know how you're doing. Your blog brings joy to millions around the world. Your BFF Kelly thinks she's the smartest woman in the universe, but she's not - you are. People depend on your blog. You will not let them down, Sheri.
Me: FINE! I am going to stop checking my facebook for a period of time.
AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you are going to continue checking your FB. You've reconnected with a lot of old friends and they are praying for you and love you.
Me: (Sigh) All right! I'm having spicy mexican food for dinner tonight.
AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but...
Me: I'm standing my ground on this one! Goodbye!

Anyway... I'm not quitting chemo - I'm just frustrated that time isn't going more quickly. This past weekend I asked Tom to get me out of the house. I knew I didn't have the strength or energy to do anything except go for a drive, so that's what we did. It was Sunday and the weather was beautiful. We passed parks and walking trails. I watched people jogging and couples holding hands while walking along. It sent me into a deep self pity. I wanted to be walking outside enjoying the spring temperature. I stared at the people knowing that they weren't even appreciative of doing something as simple as walking outside. I wallowed in my self pity: rolled around in it for hours on end. It took a lot of prayer to snap me out of it. I can now think about the people walking and instead of feeling jealous, I feel happiness that they are able to do something as simple as go for a stroll. It's impossible to be grateful for everything you have and can do; there is way too much we take for granted. If I continue to focus on the positives that have come out of this instead of the negative side effects I'm having, I'll get through this much easier.

Today I'm not going to focus on the fact that I have some major gastric/intestinal issues going on, I'll focus on how bless I am to have indoor plumbing. Mexican food was not a good idea. A good friend would have warned me.