Monday, August 10, 2009

Becoming Whole

This will likely be my last Nothing To Worry About blog post. I created this blog to stop the endless phone calls I was receiving from my family and friends who required daily updates on my condition. I'm so blessed to have so many people who love me, truly I am, but there was a moment that I thought to myself: "If one more person calls me today and asks how I'm feeling, I'm going to jump out the window." (First floor window, not second, because I've an extreme fear of heights.)

As for where I am today? The depression is probably my main focus. I was told I could get hit with depression, and danged if I didn't. Maybe I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall - but I can't seem to believe having breast cancer is over. While on vacation in Branson, MO last week I met a woman who is a 15 year survivor. When we started talking, I told her I have breast cancer even though I knew at the time it wasn't true. You see, I'm a breast cancer survivor, but I can't bring myself to say that. I can't put into words how scary it is to one day say those words - to believe them myself - only to find out it's not true. Just typing that made me cry.

I freakin' hate cancer! I hate it! It consumed my breasts and is consuming my life...STILL. Seven months of my life have been turned over to this monster. I remember that first day I found out - the surgeon telling me it will take me 6 - 9 months to beat this. It seemed impossible to believe. My dad watched me go through chemo and often stated his disbelief that with today's modern medicine treatments, chemo seemed almost inhumane. To my dad I say: WORD! (for the less hip folks, that means "so true.") Did you really have to almost kill me to heal me?

Now more than anything, I need energy and pain free days. I can force myself to get out of bed and be active, but the next day my legs are going to hurt. Anytime I've mentioned my legs to Dr Young, she ignores it. I'm supposed to go back for an EKG, echo thingy, chest x-ray and visit with the good doctor soon...once again I'll bring up my legs (not literally) and try to make her realize that when I say my legs hurt - I mean - My. Legs. Hurt!

And now about this here blog... I'm shuttin her down. I'll still keep a blog, but this one was strictly to follow my breast cancer journey. And that, my friends, has come to an end. I pray for an end to all cancers, but should you find yourself in contact with a person who wants/needs this journal - I want them directed my way without them wondering why I'm writing about flea and tick drops that don't seem to be working. Ya know?

There will be one more post after this one - it will give you a link to my new blog site. You won't have to go there. No pressure. I hear there might be free candy give aways though. (I purposely didn't post a story today even though I have MANY! I'm saving them for my new blog. But still, no pressure.)