There are days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Honestly. Today was one of those days for me. It happened again! The same, but different - ya know? I almost don't want to tell this story, but I feel I need to, so the people who are reading this can attempt to get into the scary brain of a cancer person.
Here's what happened:
I'm all day online searching, researching, and searching again for my chemo answers. When I wasn't online, I was on the phone. Most of you probably knew this, because I was on the phone with YOU! Right now there are 100 people in this world, reading this and nodding their head thinking, "yep, she's talkin' about me." When I'm not on the phone, I'm back online writing and answering e-mails. I finally looked at the clock with my blurry little eyes and noticed it was almost 2pm. My children were going to be home from school and I haven't done anything. Ok, most days I don't do anything anyway, but I'm usually showered by 2pm. Ok, that's not exactly truthful either. Whatever! I was tired of sitting around.
I know I'm going to go somewhere fun and exciting, but I hadn't decided where yet. I take my shower and as I'm getting out, my cell phone rings! It's a sign! It has to be a sign telling me I need to go buy a new cell phone. Go forth and buyth an iPhone, Sheri - that's what I heard anyway. Well, because I had to be home when the children got off the bus at a little after 3:30, I knew I needed to rush. I go into my closet and grab my favorite blue jeans (old, old, Levi's that are a tad too big and probably should have been retired 5 years ago) and my Duke sweatshirt.
I'm going to pause here for a moment and say it is still "weird" for lack of a better word, to get dressed and not have to worry about putting on a bra. This is going to take a lot of getting used to, especially if I decide not to have reconstructive surgery (which is the way I'm leaning right now.)
Anyway! I haven't worn my favorite jeans since before my surgery. I know this, because I've only been wearing sweats around the house. When I put on the wonderfully comfortable feel of my Levi's...my heart stopped. They were HUGE! And I don't mean, "Oh, I've lost a couple pounds since I had surgery and now my pants are a fitting looser." I mean if I had let go of the waist, they were going to hit the floor. My mind started racing how this could be possible. I have been kickin' up the ice cream eating lately and everything. And then it dawned on me! I HAVE been eating a lot of ice cream and chocolates and brownies and cake. (Thanks, people from my church! I love you!) How could I have lost this much weight this quickly? Cancer. But breast cancer doesn't cause you to lose weight. No, but other types of cancers do cause that. Oh God.
My head was spinning. Now what. For a moment I thought I might actually throw up. I felt the tears forming in my eyes as I slid the jeans off. It was about this point that I noticed that those weren't my jeans. They were Tom's. Good grief. I hate this disease.
Oh Sheri, bless your heart. I'm sorry, but I had to giggle when you finally got to the part where they were Tom's jeans. It sounds like something I would do, lol. Bless you! I hope the "real" jeans felt good. You deserve to feel good. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteSheri, Sheri.. I just don't know how you do it..how you keep your sense of humor... but thank God you do.. I had to laugh.. I'm thinking all through the story.."now what" does she have to go through.. I do hope you find the answers you are searching for.. take care~
ReplyDeleteKelly~
Yes, it never leaves you. I know every little thing that happens to me my mind races to that one word. Somehow we have to learn to live with it, it is so hard.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Please stop by my blog and pick up the award which is there.
ReplyDeleteIts amazing how our brains automatically go to the worst scenario possible. I can't tell you how many cancers i've "had" in my life!
ReplyDeleteI find I have to tell satan outloud to get out of my brain...praying for you!
Valerie s
Hi Sheri,
ReplyDeleteNow don't go getting your panties in a bunch! (yes, pun intended). Everything you're feeling and doing are natural. Even normal. First of all, the weight-thingy. You could eat like a horse and still drop weight right now. You're hyper and your body is running at warp speed. Your brain is burning glucose like crazy. Perpetual vibration. You're never at rest. But as your healing moves along (and it will), and you start to feel a little more in control, the weight will come back. The control thing is big. We take for granted being able to control our body. Through nourishment, exercise and even down-time. But when our body controls us, and you throw doctors in the mix, it is beyond maddening. Arg!
Second, resist the fear of imaginary disease in your body. I know what it's like to be a "medical googler". Self-diagnosing every ache and pain when Steve was recuperating from cancer surgeries, chemo, radiation. Sheesh, what a year-and-a-half that was!
Steve and I prayed that we would receive ONLY good words from the doctors. And if there were no good words, then keep silent. And darned if that wasn't the way it went until Steve was healed!
That's our prayer for you going forward. Good words, or no words.
We also pray for your family who probably feel somewhat helpless right now. To keep them strong and sured up.
Hoping that this day brings you a blue sky, a special phone call, a prayer answered, a good belly laugh and moments of pure peace.
Cheryl & Steve Cook
Sweetie, I have been in your shoes. I still have those days when nothing gets done. My hair is a wreck and I am still in the shorts and t shirt I slept in! Oh, there are times I just want to kick myself in the butt. But then I realize I'd just end up on the floor!
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up. No things are not ok right now, but they will get better down the road. Remember sweet one, cancer is not your friend, but one day she will make you stronger than you ever knew was possible. You are a fighter, a survivor!
Just remember there are many of us out here, ready to walk this road with you.