There are days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Honestly. Today was one of those days for me. It happened again! The same, but different - ya know? I almost don't want to tell this story, but I feel I need to, so the people who are reading this can attempt to get into the scary brain of a cancer person.
Here's what happened:
I'm all day online searching, researching, and searching again for my chemo answers. When I wasn't online, I was on the phone. Most of you probably knew this, because I was on the phone with YOU! Right now there are 100 people in this world, reading this and nodding their head thinking, "yep, she's talkin' about me." When I'm not on the phone, I'm back online writing and answering e-mails. I finally looked at the clock with my blurry little eyes and noticed it was almost 2pm. My children were going to be home from school and I haven't done anything. Ok, most days I don't do anything anyway, but I'm usually showered by 2pm. Ok, that's not exactly truthful either. Whatever! I was tired of sitting around.
I know I'm going to go somewhere fun and exciting, but I hadn't decided where yet. I take my shower and as I'm getting out, my cell phone rings! It's a sign! It has to be a sign telling me I need to go buy a new cell phone. Go forth and buyth an iPhone, Sheri - that's what I heard anyway. Well, because I had to be home when the children got off the bus at a little after 3:30, I knew I needed to rush. I go into my closet and grab my favorite blue jeans (old, old, Levi's that are a tad too big and probably should have been retired 5 years ago) and my Duke sweatshirt.
I'm going to pause here for a moment and say it is still "weird" for lack of a better word, to get dressed and not have to worry about putting on a bra. This is going to take a lot of getting used to, especially if I decide not to have reconstructive surgery (which is the way I'm leaning right now.)
Anyway! I haven't worn my favorite jeans since before my surgery. I know this, because I've only been wearing sweats around the house. When I put on the wonderfully comfortable feel of my Levi's...my heart stopped. They were HUGE! And I don't mean, "Oh, I've lost a couple pounds since I had surgery and now my pants are a fitting looser." I mean if I had let go of the waist, they were going to hit the floor. My mind started racing how this could be possible. I have been kickin' up the ice cream eating lately and everything. And then it dawned on me! I HAVE been eating a lot of ice cream and chocolates and brownies and cake. (Thanks, people from my church! I love you!) How could I have lost this much weight this quickly? Cancer. But breast cancer doesn't cause you to lose weight. No, but other types of cancers do cause that. Oh God.
My head was spinning. Now what. For a moment I thought I might actually throw up. I felt the tears forming in my eyes as I slid the jeans off. It was about this point that I noticed that those weren't my jeans. They were Tom's. Good grief. I hate this disease.