I want one day without pain. One day that I don't wake up and and my first thought is that I have cancer. There is a never ending list of things that need to be done and I am just now feeling like I'm physically able to do them. You know how depressing it is to know that in just a few days I've got to have chemo pumped into my body again?
It's the pain that is wearing me out right now. Honestly, if it weren't for the stomach and rear end pain, I'd be fine. My bottom hurts pretty much all the time now due to my lovely fissure and screwed up digestive system. I told Dr. Young I was willing to finish chemo before scampering off to get my fissure fixed. I'm really questioning that now. In a matter of a few days my diarrhea is going to get much, much worse. I know with that will come the peel-me-off-the-ceiling fissure pain.
On a brighter note, my energy level is up somewhat. Or it is when I'm not downing so dang many pain pills. Trust me, I know what you are thinking - I'm worried about becoming addicted to the silly things, too! If anyone has any advice to help me get through the pain without the use of percocet and oxymorphone, I am more than willing to listen. I can't sit or lie down in any comfortable fashion anymore. Hours sitting in a hot bath and the ointment just ain't cutting it anymore.
Anywho! With my new found somewhat energy I did get out of the house on Sunday. We went out to eat and then I did a very slow stroll through the mall. I wanted to get out of the house, but I was scared. This was going to be my first outing without hair. I wanted to wear one of my wigs, but I will confess to not liking them very much. I find them hot and itchy. As my scalp gets more used to not having hair, I might be better able to tolerate the wigs. Right now my favorite thing is scarves. They are lightweight, soft, and pretty (wow, did anyone else notice I just described myself?)
So, I went out to eat wearing a scarf on my bald head and my fear came true. I did get stared at. It was a little shocking to look around and see people quickly looking down; to see people staring at me out of the corner of my eye; to see a husband and wife looking over at me and whispering. It's very clear that I have cancer. I look like a cancer girl now. I was uncomfortable (until my big ol plate of ribs came, then I really didn't care about all those people anymore.) I did try to get inside the mind of the people I caught looking. One woman in particular seemed unable to stop looking at me. I finally put myself in her place and saw her sitting there with two young children just as I was. She was probably about the same age as me and perhaps she was staring at a woman that could have easily been her.
I told this to a friend and they said everyone was staring because of my unbelievable beauty. I like that idea better.