I'm tired today.
We all get tired, but today seems to be more so than normal for me. I'm absolutely overwhelmed with all the choices I'm expected to make. Choices that affect my life. Choices that not only affects my life either, but the lives of my family - my children. If anything were to happen to me who would teach my children sarcasm?
I need to find the right doctor for me. All could think about today was: find a doctor; do it now, but make sure he is great; it's literally a matter of life or death; is there any doctor out there that wants me to live as much as I want me to live? How do I find him? How do i find him NOW?
In my breast and lymph nodes I have very aggressive cancer. It consumes my thoughts. Everyday I sit and learn more about this stupid disease. A disease that wants nothing more than to take my life from me. The cancer center is preparing me for what to expect, but they aren't really doing anything. The cancer is growing. I've no idea how fast it's growing, but I know it is.
When I was a little girl, my brother and I found some sort of ivy plant growing along the fence in our backyard. We thought it was kinda interesting looking. We had our mom come outside to look at our newly discovered weird plant. Mom agreed that it was unusual and we dug it up so we could replant it in our pretty flower bed. This ivy plant or whatever it was grew quickly and in just a few days had taken over the flowerbed. It was wrapping its self around the pretty flowers and killing them. We dug it up and pulled out the dead flowers, but it would return. I remember thinking that we should have pulled it out the moment we saw what it was doing, but we waited too long.
I look at my cancer like that weed - planting it's roots and growing - killing everything it touches. It needs to come out now. Everyday that goes by is another day that it grows stronger - attempting to do it's soul purpose for being inside me: to kill me. I'm tired of obsessing about it. I'm tired of waiting for someone to do something. I'm tired. I'm so tired I can't stand it.
So, here are my choices: the only oncologist I can get in to see right away is the lovely Dr Young, whom I've not been happy with. I'm able to see her tomorrow morning. Or I wait. Wednesday I can see a doctor that Vickie said she thought was good, or I wait til Jan 10th to finally see the one doctor that was recommended highly by many people. I can't wait. I'll see Dr Young tomorrow.
Tonight I want desperately to sleep. I want 15 seconds that the word cancer isn't in my mind. Even when I am able to sleep, I dream about that evil disease.
So here is what I ask of you my wonderful family and friends: help me, please. Pray for me. Pray with me. Pray I am able to find peace until my treatments finally begins. I just can't do this alone. Please, help me. I'm scared.