Cancer Club

When you get cancer you join a club you never wanted to be in. I'm in the official Breast Cancer Survivor Club. Breast cancer survivors are fantastic women - and I'm not just saying that because I am one now. The crazy part? If I think about all I've been through too hard, I still get upset. This happened Saturday. We took the kids out to eat and I noticed our waitress didn't have much hair. She noticed I was wearing my lovely new hat and asked me if I had cancer. I said yes. She is a 5 year survivor (and still didn't have hair! Yeah, that messed with me!)

After dinner, Tom and the kids ran off to a museum, but left me sitting to wait for them (I'm still very tired and can only do so much walking around.) Sitting there reminded me of how hard I used to try to NOT think about having cancer after I was diagnosed. Not thinking about having cancer is impossible. I never wrote about this story when it happened, because I was going through so much at the time. But Saturday I found myself sitting - waiting on my family - and getting more and more upset. Memories flooded back to me. Here's one:

I had decided that life was going to go on as normal while I waited for my surgeon to return from her trip to Africa. Between the time I was diagnosed and the time of my mastectomy all I wanted to do was crawl in bed - stay there and cry. There was no way I was going to allow my children to suffer along with me. We did as much as we could to keep busy and keep our minds off the nightmare that had begun. One of the things we did was take the kids to their school carnival. Man, that was a bad idea!

Thinking back, I'm not sure what it was that did me in that day; maybe it wasn't one specific thing. Here I was new in town and at a new school. I suddenly was missing my children's old school; I used to volunteer at their old school. At that school, I knew the layout, the teachers, the parents and the students. I missed the feeling of comfort at that school.

The kids right away ran off to be with their friends, Tom agreed to stay with Jacob, but Allison was too old to have her mom following her around. I was left alone, but I was quickly saved by one of Allison's classmates' moms. Thankfully, she knew I had cancer, but wasn't asking me to talk about it. She and I walked around the school looking in on the different booths that were set up - I was fighting the tears all day. I confided in her that I was an emotional mess and thought maybe I just needed to go home. That's when she did something very, very stupid...she left me alone. She had gone off to find Tom.

I stood alone in a hallway of an elementary school with children and their parents walking all around me - when I looked up I saw a booth that was set up to warn children about the horrors of smoking and lung cancer. That was it. That was the straw that broke my emotional back. I didn't start the delicate little crying either...oh no! I lost it. Crazy woman hysterically crying in hallway B. Clean-up, please!

The husband of the woman I had been walking with saw me almost instantly and raced off to find his wife. She came back to me and pulled me into an empty classroom. She hugged me and let me cry then told me she was going to get someone who was more suited to talk to me. Within minutes, my new friend returned and brought with her a beautiful woman who grabbed me and hugged me tightly to her for what seemed like forever. I remember thinking "wow, friendly!" She was a cancer survivor. After I pulled myself together, I was coherent enough to be properly humiliated and voiced this to her. I was told what I just did was perfectly normal. She had done it, too, but hers was at the grocery store in the dairy section.

I was able to get Tom and the kids and race outta the school. I'm actually glad now that I didn't know anyone. The idea that I might have done that at my kids' old school where their friends knew me was was not pleasant.

But here I was all these months later - breastless and hairless - and close to another meltdown. Seeing the waitress and hearing her excitement about hitting her five year mark, depressed me. Chances of a reoccurrance diminish greatly after five years. Five years suddenly seemed a lifetime away.

I'm taking this one day at a time. Unfortunately, that one day at a time finds me daily in front of the mirror checking for lump and bumps. Only four and a half years to go.

Out And About

I'm not sleeping. Some time after the sun rises in the morning, I'm hopefully able to grab a couple hours. This is really affecting my mood, too, and not in a good way. Needless to say, I'm sluggish and tired and ohhh so grumpy. If you are someone I love, you are under fire of the wrath of Sheri. I'm trying very hard remind myself that no one is doing anything wrong - I'm just a loon with out of control hormones and getting very little sleep. I've given new meaning to the term emotional basket case. I'm here now to apologize to everyone I've unfairly gotten upset with. I'm here now to apologize in the future to those I will get upset with (I'm being realistic here.)



Today I decided instead of lying around the house all day I would get out and do something fun with the kids. We finally decided we would go downtown to see the fountains and do a bit of shopping. We could have gotten out there much earlier, but I had to take a nap; a shower; put on makeup; and yell at Tom, the kids and Spike, first. We had a good time when we eventually got out there. They allow the kids to run through the fountains, but I didn't think to bring bathing suits for the kids - the kids were disappointed. After that we walked and walked and walked around the Crown Center shopping plaza. I was exhausted. I'm hoping - being as tired as I am - that I'll finally be able to sleep because I got some exercise.



I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep or if I truly don't care anymore, but today I did something I've never done before... We found a very cool hat store while we were out. I was wearing my new long wig (and I looked smashing, thank you very much) and I decided I was going to try on hats. With people milling around, I snatched off wig - displaying my bald head for the world to see - while I hunted for a lovely new hat. I found one. The next thing I did, I'm sure was because of sleep deprivation, though... The kids were toy shopping in the Crayola Store when I got hit by a nasty hot flash; I whipped off my wig and put on my new hat in the middle of that store.



My head is looking ridiculous right now. I'm finally growing hair! Yay! But just in patchy areas. I have fluffy soft sprouts on the top of my head and not a whole lot around the sides and back. At this point, I don't care. Hair is hair.



*It was very difficult for me to concentrate to write this blog post. If you find any errors, please report your findings to menopausesucksandIdon'tcareifImessedup.com

My Blog

Over the last week or so I've started several blog posts, but finished none. Every time I would go back to reread what I wrote, I felt sure I had written it all before. But I thought I should update to let everyone know how I am doing.

I'm still having issues with my digestive system. The hot flashes are as bad as ever and I'm still tired all the time. Hey, it's not like I didn't warn you I had nothing new to blog about.

I'm having trouble sleeping. It's messing with my mood and making me insaney-er. Completely. I mean, if you see my name on your caller ID... run. Screaming. You should be safe though, since I decided to not call anyone for the last couple weeks. Or e-mail. Or leave the house. I'm just so tireddddd!

Cancer really sucks. Don't get it.

I Heart Hair

Today was a big day: I got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed and left my house. Every other day this week has been spent either in bed or soaking my insanely achy muscles in a hot bath. I've also whined and complained. A lot. But today I had to go to the wig store and I had to get my heart checked. Get the title now?

I went to the wig store to get a wig cap to wear under my wigs. I don't like wearing the wigs and am hoping that the wig cap will make them a bit more comfortable. Ok, I also bought a new wig today, too. Tom says I am an out of control impulse shopper. Just because I've got two wigs that I can't stand wearing and have only worn one out in public once, I can't get a third one? Sure, I didn't plan to buy a new wig today. Yeah, wigs are expensive. But this wig is different than my other two...it's long and the color is the color my hair used to be. When I tried this wig on I felt like myself. Long, very dark brown hair is who I am. I think another reason I don't like wearing those other two wigs is I don't look like me in them. I'm going to grow my hair out long again and it is going to take years. It will be nice to have a wig I can slip on on days that I miss my hair while I'm waiting for it to grow back out. (See how I've justified this so it is NOT looking like an out of control impulse buy?)

While I was at the wig store I met a woman who had just lost her hair because of chemo. We got to talking and she asked what kind of cancer I had and I told her my sad little sob story. And, of course, I asked about her cancer... Wow! You know how they say no matter how bad you've got it, there is always someone who is worse? I met that person today. This sweet woman has stage 4 cancer in 7 vital organs ranging from her lungs to her stomach to her liver. She has to have chemo for at least a year. So far she's only had one chemo treatment, but she's still feeling fine. She never stopped smiling. I will keep her in my prayers.

Then on to get my heart checked. Today I had an EKG and an Echo - I failed the EKG. My blood pressure was 90/70 and my heart rate was 111. After seeing these numbers, the nurse there asked if I'm tired all the time. Seriously. Hi, I'm Sheri...we've obviously not met - I do nothing but whine about being tired all the time. They said they were going to send my results to my oncologist and I sat there trying to think of a way to talk them out of doing that. Good heavens, don't tell my doctors something is wrong with me! They like to throw me in the hospital! Thankfully, not this time, though. Dr. Young isn't concerned with my sinus tachycardia (that's what I was told I have from the heart place peeps.) As long as my fever is gone, I should stay hospital free. My simple solution has been to stop taking my temperature. So far, so good...since I've stopped taking my temp, I've had no fever. Whew.

Can anyone else hear my mom saying: "Sheri Lynn, you take your temperature right now!" Aww, Mom! Do I have to?

**Pictures are of old wigs

Big Sighhhhhh.....

I woke up this morning feeling yucky. I'm finished with chemo! I'm not supposed to be getting sick anymore. When my temp hit 100.7, I decided I wasn't going to wait for the doctor to tell me what to do. I took Tylenol and THEN I called the doctor. Yep, I a rebel. My entire body aches; I have a headache, and a small dry cough. I'm not doctor, but I think it's malaria with just a touch of swine flu and a slash of mycoplasma pneumoniae.

Without even seeing me, Dr. Young disagreed with my self diagnosis. Whatever. She called me in a 'script for antibiotics.

I'm wickedly grouchy today. Malaria does that to you.

Four Oh

Today I turn forty years old. Today is also exactly four weeks since my last chemo treatment. I've decided enough is enough - no more whining! This has been the most unbelievable year of my life, and you know what sounds so weird? I'm not sure I would change a thing.

A completely real conversation that really did happen:

RC: Really, Sheri? Do you hear what you just said? You wouldn't change getting cancer again? The hell your family went through, because of your cancer. Explain yourself.
Me: Because of this cancer I created this blog which caused me to meet someone who told me to join facebook - joining facebook caused me to reconnect with YOU and many other people from my past.
RC: Nice try! Cancer can kill you and you could have missed out on watching your children grow up.
Me: But it didn't kill me. The blessings I've received you wouldn't believe. Remember my last blog post? The one in which I whined like a big ol baby?
RC: I remember. I thought about sending AS over with her new hoe to pop some sense into your head.
Me: Yeah, well, that blog got 28 comments, 37 facebook book comments/emails and 91 emails. Most of those emails were from people I don't even know. People who said they loved me and have been praying for me from the beginning. I've received messages from entire churches across the country telling me that they heard about me through my cousin's friend's sister (or however) and have sent out word for prayer from other churches in their area. People around the world have found my blog and have written to tell me they are praying for me. I truly believe hundreds of thousands of people in this world (mostly people who don't even know me) are praying for me. This is the most humbling and truly amazing thing that can ever happen to a person. I got breast cancer, but I've never felt more blessed in my life.
RC: I'm sorry I questioned you. I had no idea. You are a remarkable person and I'm honored to know you. I'm also sorry I was mean to you in elementary school. I only acted that way because you were the prettiest girl in the whole school.

This has been a year that would be impossible to forget. My last birthday should have been a sign to the kind of year I was going to have...

June 12, 2008

It started out a lovely day and the kids and I decided in the afternoon to do some shopping. We had an early lunch and by the time 5:00 rolled around we were pretty hungry. We're in a store and while we are paying for our items we hear thunder rolling outside. Not just any thunder either - the kind that sounds like it's hitting right on top of you and makes you jump out of your shorts while it rocks the building you're in. When we get to the door to leave we notice a crowd of people standing around peeping outside. We manage work our way through the people and see the most unbelievable rain coming down outside. I stood there with my mouth hanging open watching a storm that's caused the outside time to appear to be midnight rather than 5 pm.

I tell the kids we are parked really close and we are going to make a run for it. Of course that's when the hail started. And we stand there watching as the ground becomes covered with ice, so much so that you can't even see the ground anymore. Ok, we won't run for it. When the hail finally stopped, the rain was still coming down in sheets, but I told the kids we were still getting out of that store - no one else was leaving, but I refused to spend my 39th birthday trapped in a store. I grab a child's hand in each one of mine and just as we are about to set foot outside...tornado sirens.

A store manager came up and was explaining that there was a tornado on the ground in the small town about 5 miles outside of Topeka. He went on to tell us that the basement of the store was available and started leading people people to it. Oh no, there was no way. I was grabbing my kids and we were out of there!

We get in the van and I realize I forgot to find out which direction the tornado was heading. If it wasn't even heading toward Topeka, we may as well go out to eat. I turn on the radio and all I can get is station after station telling everyone in the listening area to seek cover. Well, that's not helpful. I guess that means we're going home. But we're hungry and I don't want to cook on my birthday! I tell the kids we're going to stop and grab something at first place we see on our way home. I pull into the Sonic and push the little button. Someone comes on the speaker to tell me that they aren't serving people right now, because we're under a tornado warning. Really? You're in Kansas! And if you're not going to serve people just because of tornadoes you're going to lose a lot of business!

Finally we are able to get some food at Burger King and take it home. We settle down in the basement to eat our fast food and wait for the storm to pass. The kids are getting a bit scared because the stupid sirens have been going off for almost an hour now and it does tend to get a bit nerve wracking. I flip on the TV in the basement to see if the storm is close to passing. It wasn't. Each time a huge storm cell would pass, another one would explode overhead. Tornadoes were forming everywhere and the rain was pounding.

Too much rain at our Topeka house was a bad, bad thing. I hold my breath and say a prayer as I step into the back room of the basement...still dry! As I turn to walk out, the window catches my eye. It looked weird. Upon closer inspection I notice the window well was about half full of water. Oh, God, please let the window hold! I say a pray and walk out shutting the door behind me. There was nothing I could do. The kids were crying. The rain won't stop. Tornado sirens making me crazy. Enough! It was time to call Tom. He was about 45 minutes north of Topeka on an Indian Reservation. Because the day was going along so smoothly, of course I couldn't get Tom on his cell phone. The reservation is a dead zone.

Obviously we made it through that storm unharmed, but that was just the beginning of the fun filled year I had. Blowing up a trash truck; our house selling too quickly so I only had one weekend to find a new house; my van being wrecked twice; the day we had to be out of our old house, the mortgage company calling to say they made a mistake and we couldn't close on our new house that day (the old house was packed up and the moving truck was there); and, of course, being diagnosed with cancer. What a year!

Today I'm feeling very blessed to be turning 40. I believe I'm ready for whatever God has in store for me this year. I'm certain it will be exciting.

The End

This has been an extremely emotional last few days for me. I'm still trying to recover from my last infection which left me completely wiped out - add that to the menopause that chemo created - plus the huge decision I made this past Friday...it's a wonder I've still got any sanity left at all. Some may say I don't. At this point I won't argue.

This blog is going to be the hardest blog I've ever written. I'll start where I left off from my last post...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I went to bed with unbelievable dread inside me. I knew when I woke up it would mean it was time to get more chemo pumped into my body. All night I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I threw a pity party and cried a little, but mostly I did absolutely nothing all night long except think about what the next week or so was going to be like. I had to remind myself that millions of people have gone through these treatments and were able to handle them and dang it, I could handle it, too! My thoughts were on my children and how much they needed me and how desperately I needed to be there for them. Just two more treatments. For Allison and Jacob. Destroy the cancer and stay alive!

Friday, June 5, 2009

The sun rose without me getting one moment of sleep. My dad had gone back to Florida and it was my mom's turn to drag the emotional wreck of a daughter to chemo. We get to the hospital early and I try to remain calm, but I feel myself falling apart. I found myself praying a lot that morning, but my mind was such a mess I wasn't sure what I was praying for. I was just so sleepy and sick and sore and wishing I was anywhere except at that hospital. How was it possible three weeks had passed since my last treatment. Another hospital stay in between treatments. The stress this was putting on Tom and the kiddos. I hated, desperately hated, my babies having to watch me go through this.

Time came finally and I got called back to the infusion room. My port was accessed, blood was taken, and I peed in the little cup. All that was left for me to do was talk to Dr Young then I would be hooked up to the IV so the poison could start flowing into my body. I have to leave the infusion room to get my quick exam done by Dr. Young. I don't have to wait long - the good doctor studies my chart and we chat for a moment about my latest hospital stay. It's at this moment that Dr. Young reminds me that I've already had four treatments - which was her original recommendation. She tells me that in those four treatments I've managed to get two pretty severe infections plus hospitalized for countless number of days. She doesn't think my body can handle much more. As of right now, none of the infections have affected any of my major organs. Let's quit the chemo now, she says.

Quit? I didn't even think about it. Yes, I told her. I was crying. I couldn't do another treatment. I was fighting the fight, and I was losing. There was no more fight left in me that day. Quit. Yes. I will quit. When I agreed to quit the treatment, I didn't think of anyone but myself - I just knew that right then and there I couldn't continue on. I also knew I didn't want to celebrate the news. Usually when you finish your chemo treatments there is a big production of ringing the bell in the infusion center. I felt defeated. I lost the fight. I didn't want to ring the bell - I didn't feel I deserved it.

The nurses cheered my news when they heard I was done. They probably thought I was crying happy tears, but I wasn't. I had to sit back down in the infusion room while they deaccessed my port. I wanted to scream that I changed my mind - that I wanted my poison. But I couldn't. What was I doing? My thoughts were so muddled at that point, I was almost hysterical screaming on the inside while trying to remain calm on the outside. What I wanted more than anything was to run back into Dr. Young's office and tell her I changed my mind. But I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. I was ashamed that I couldn't.

Don't get me wrong...I knew what Dr. Young was saying was true. Chemo was all but destroying my body. It was getting harder and harder just to walk, because of the muscle pain it was causing me. There were many days I didn't leave my bed except to go to the bathroom. I'd read a lot about the drugs I was receiving and talked to a few people who had received the exact drugs - it seemed to me that these drugs were ravaging my body more severely than it did to others. I still sit in amazement thinking of the people who never missed a day of work while receiving the very treatment that caused me to spend half my time admitted to the hospital. But still...I had done four treatments. Two more? I couldn't do two more? For my family? I had this great life planned out ahead of me for when I finished my treatments. Six treatments of three chemotherapy drugs! That was the plan! If my cancer came back - I would know I did everything in my power the first time around. But I quit.

I can still call the doctor and tell her I changed my mind and get my next dose this week. I can't bring myself to do it though. Very few people have been told that I quit, because I can't talk about it. Most people are ready to celebrate my news. I'm just not there yet. It's almost impossible to explain exactly what I feel. But I know I don't want to hear congratulations, because right now I am sure I don't deserve that. Maybe all I need is time for this to sink in that it's finally over and I can move on to a subject that isn't cancer. There's a crazy thought. One thing is certain - this is the end of my chemo. I won't be changing my mind.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The summer heat is upon us which can only mean one thing: fighting over the temp in the house. Honestly! Tom believes a house isn't livable until you can see your breath; I, on the other hand, believe you shouldn't have to wear a parka in your home during the summer months. We compromise. During the day while Tom is at work I will knock the temp up, then an hour before he gets home I run the temp back down again. On this particular Wednesday I forgot to make the house cooler before the iceman cometh home. OK, yes, I do know that the thermostat can be programmed to automatically adjust the temp throughout the day - but that would require me having to read instructions, and really...that is so not going to happen.

So, Tom gets home and mumbles something about bursting into flames then readjusts the air temp himself. I was so cold that night I couldn't sleep. By 3 am I am shivering and wearing pretty much all my clothes at the same time. I finally decide I'm going to go sit in a bath of scalding hot water to warm up. This worked for a few minutes, then I was right back to shivering again. By 4:30 I was able to fall asleep, but not for long. I'd only slept for about an hour or so when I woke up and something clicked inside my frozen head...perhaps I should take my temperature. Turns out the house was no colder than normal, I just happen to be getting sick. Super!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I wake up Tom and tell him I've got a fever. We now have to decide when is the best time to call the doctor. I'm not allowed to have a fever of over 100.5 and already I was up to 101. It was 6 am and we knew the doctor on call would just tell us to go to the emergency room. We strongly dislike the emergency room. Of course, this meant doing nothing until the doctor's office opened at 8:00. As we tried to decide how to handle this my fever continued to rise. I also had a pretty nasty pain on the left side of my chest where my breast used to be - I could tell it was starting to swell and it was tender to the touch.

Next thing I remember I'm at the hospital infusion center where I receive my chemo treatments. I guess while deciding what to do at home, I fell asleep and when I wasn't asleep I was somewhat delirious. I don't remember that, but I'm sure it was fun. At the hospital, Dr Young seemed very unconcerned. I received a couple of Tylenol to break the fever, a chest x-ray for the pain in my chest, an IV bag of fluids, plus my first dose of oral antibiotics. I was told the antibiotics needed 12 hours to clear up the fever - until then, go home and rest.

Friday, May 29, 2009

My fever is laughing at the antibiotics I had been given. The Tylenol would bring my temperature down for a moment before it would spike back up again. I felt truly horrible. Another call in to the doctor's office where they tell me to to add another OTC fever reducer to the mix. My chest hurt and I was getting more and more frustrated by the lack of concern from my doctors. It wasn't until I threw up in my sleep that the doctors' finally told me to come back in so they could take another look-see. I was a bit surprised they wanted to see me again - then I realized it wasn't Dr Young who wanted me to come in again - it was her partner. Dr Young had left town.

I was immediately admitted into the hospital. While the day before, Dr Young could see nothing wrong with my chest - her partner AND all the nurses could clearly see how swollen the area was. But not only that, the area was red and warm to the touch. Oh, Dr Young, you make it so hard for me to love you.

They put me on some powerful antibiotics; tried to make me eat and watched me throw up for the next few days. I was absolutely miserable. The fever wouldn't go away! They had me on cool (as in cold, not cool as in totally hip) IV fluids that they swore would make me feel better. In their world shivering even harder is feeling better - isn't the case in mine, but I've never had professional training and they have, so what do I know? This was my first hospital stay where they tried to respect my sleep. Unless the doctor was there to see me or I was being wheeled off for lab work, they left me alone. They would wait til I woke up to make me take my handfuls of pills or give me shots in my stomach. I appreciated this.

At some point something started working, because my fever disappeared. Unfortunately when my fever disappear it didn't take with it the pain in my chest. It was decided that I needed to get a sonogram on that area But, of course, by this point, my doctor tells me any fluid that is found will have been cleared up by the antibiotics, so they may not be able to tell what it was that caused this sickness in the first place. He said they really should have checked that before the antibiotics. Sigh. Anyhoo, I got my sonogram and the next day I got the pocket of fluid drained.

Soon after getting the area drained they let me go home. And I went to bed. Which is where I've stayed. And wouldn't leave if I didn't have a chemo treatment tomorrow. This infection wiped me out. I've not had much energy anyway, but this is as bad as I've been in a long time. And it's only going to get worse after tomorrow. Oh yippy.

Now What???

Way more tired than usual today. I had a very high fever and pain in my ribs which caused me to have to go to the hospital. Too out of it to blog about it today. I'll get y'all updated tomorrow.

Thanks for the prayers..

Breasts

I have two 6 1/2 inch (yep, I measured) scars where my breasts used to be. I'm really not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me. Please don't feel sorry for me; I'd rather have those scars than cancer. It still amazes me that I went to the doctor for a simple thyroid problem and two month later ended up with these scars and no hair. Crazy. Seriously, crazy. I'm the type that goes to the doctor positive I have strep throat and the test ALWAYS comes back negative.

The other day Tom and I were talking about that phone call that changed my life forever. How I still dreamt about it. There are days the phone rings and I have flash backs to that call. I remember that call word for word; the tone in her voice as she told me I had cancer. I remember how I repeated back to her the word cancer and the expression on Tom's face when I said it. A breast cancer survivor friend of mine was horrified when she heard they told me the news over the phone instead of calling me into the office. I'm not sure I could have handled that. They don't usually call you in to tell you everything is ok, ya know? I would have known something was up and been completely freaked out until the appointment. There really is no good way to tell you you havce cancer, in my opinion.

That first office visit they tried to tell me all I really needed was to have the rest of lump removed. In the beginning Tom, my surgeon, my oncologist and a few other family members were all trying to tell me to go ahead with just a lumpectomy and chemo. I was never more scared of anything in my entire life. What if my surgeon missed something? Could I take that chance with my life? From the beginning I had something inside me telling me I needed more than a lumpectomy. Turns out it was God and I'm glad I listened. For those of you who haven't read my whole story, or who have forgotten - after my mastectomy they found a second mass in my left breast - a tumor that didn't show up on my mammogram or MRI.

So, here I am without breasts trying to decide if I should have implants or not. I don't have to have actual implants either - I can have the them take muscle and fat from my stomach to create breasts. From what I understand that is extremely painful, though. Plus they will create these neat fake nipples and tattoo on the aureoles. The nipples won't be responsive so I'll always look like I'm cold. I just can't decide what to do. There are times I don't mind not having any breasts. I like not wearing a bra. No bouncing when I run and jump (yeah, ok, I know they won't bounce IF I were to run and jump.) On the negative side: tight fitting t-shirts are out! I look ridiculous! And I have to worry about my weight and the fact that my stomach could someday pop out further than my chest giving me that potbelly look. We don't want that. Nope.

Next month I'm going to be 40 years old. I promise you before all this started I was completely unhappy with my breasts. I wonder if there are any 40 year old women (with their natural breasts) who love their breasts. Is there any woman who looks down in the shower and thinks "they're still soooo beautiful!". I know breast feeding two children was unkind to mine. Much thought had been given to someday having a breast lift. Women who have breasts that are large wish for small breasts; women with small breasts wish for large breasts. My wish is that I had mine back - just the way they were. Please don't tell me if that's what I wish I should have the surgery to get implants. Those won't be mine. Fake nipples and tattoos? Absolutely no feeling in my chest area? Yeah, people, totally not the same. I did the right thing having them removed, but I miss them. I mourn for them.

I don't usually write blogs like this. I much prefer to tell stories than to write about a random subject matter. But I needed to vent. Today I wore a tight gray t-shirt and decided I'd wear a sports bra underneath (I dunno why either) after a couple hours of doing the junior high bra pull down because there was nothing that was keeping the bra from riding up - I had to take the stupid thing off. It made me sad. While I know I'm not going to change anyone's life with this post, I hope you pause and think - at least for a moment - and be happy with what you have. Trust me it's better than nothing.

I can't end this without a story:

A couple weeks ago it was a beautiful sunny day and I decided I would take advantage of my beastlessness and wear a shirt that required no bra. I put on my spaghetti strap top with the build in padded bra. Problem was, without anything to pad the bra was gaping open and you could see my scars. After much consideration I finally decided I only had one option: stuff shirt with socks - and that's what I did. I used two big, fluffy, hot pink socks all balled up and it looked pretty good, if I do say so myself. When Tom and the kids got home they were most impressed by my new figure (they all noticed right away.) In fact, I was feeling so good I wanted to go out to dinner; so out to dinner we went.

I was in a good mood and I noticed a few people staring at me, as usual. Yeah, yeah, I have no hair - or maybe they were staring at my hot chest. I noticed the waitress kept giving me a really sweet smile. I did notice she was checking out my chest, too. You can tell I have cancer, and usually you can tell I have no breasts...maybe she was trying to figure out what kind of cancer I had. Or she noticed what I noticed on the drive home: one of my hot pink socks was falling out of my shirt. Classy!

Quick Update

I've not been feeling well - lots of headaches and very tired. Tomorrow I'm going to get back in the blogging swing of things!

Blogging Naked

This blog title was suggested by a wonderful woman/friend from my church. It's not as it sounds! I mean I am blogging and I am naked...wait - I guess it is as it sounds. But not for reasons you might think! Though who am I to know what you are thinking? For all I know you're thinking that I'm sitting butt-stark-naked in a bath of ice cold water while blogging because I can't get my hot flashes under control. Good call you! But you're only half right.

I started blogging naked long before menopause hit me. Naked blogging started when my muscles started hurting so badly after chemo that all I wanted to do was sit in a tub of hot water and soak all day. And so that is exactly what I started doing. I would read while I soaked. Sometimes (and never on purpose) I would sleep while I soaked. I finally figured out one day that I can make this a productive operation. The picture you see here is the set up I've done. Not too shabby, eh? (Pointing finger to top on my head...more than a hat rack my friends)

The menoblogsoak (TM Sheri) is still a work in progress. When a hot flash hits, I hightail it to the bathroom and fill my giant soaker tub full of cool water while I quickly move over my laptop, cell phone, house phone, ice cold drink, snacks and music. Spike, of course, supervises the entire operation by barking the whole time...I'm not sure what that's all about, but the system seems to work for us. After I'm completely set up in the tub, and Spike is locked out of the bathroom area - I get to work. Important items done first - figure out what bath salts to use (check!) Make sure entire body is wet by twirling in tub like a mermaid (check!) Wonder if I locked the bathroom doors so no one can see me twirling in tub (dang!) Stop twirling (check!) Daydream (check!) Think about what to blog (check!) Wonder how it's even humanly possible to sweat while sitting in a tub of cold bath water, but yet I am! (check!) Check facebook (check!) Check emails (check!) Check odd looking mole on knee and remember to ask doctor about it next time (check!)

Finally down to business. Or not. I'm tired of being in the bathtub now. I want to go to bed. Tomorrow - blogging in my jammies (aka blogging.)

Burnin' Love

Burnin' love is a sarcastic title. I've started having hot flashes. Hot flashes are no fun. Not only are hot flashes no fun for me, but they are going to be even less fun because of the trail of mayhem and misery I've left behind because of them. I'm not joking. Repeat. I'm. Not. Joking.

Oh, I hear what you're asking me now! I hear the questions such as: Oh, most precious and beautiful Sheri (you will call me precious and beautiful Sheri from here on out - jeepers it's hot in here - someone open a flippin' window! AAAAAAARRRRRGGG! I ask for so little.) I lost my train of thought. Oh! Right! You were asking me questions about how it could be possible that a very young woman who is only still in her 30's could be having hot flashes. Surely I can't be going into menopause, you ask.

You.

Would.

Be.

Wrong.

Freakin', stupid, chemotherapy has shut down my one last little remaining ovary and has thrown me into menopause. Thankfully I'm extremely moody to go along with having these wicked hot flashes. Example:

Tom: I'm leaving out of here, you want me to leave the ceiling fan on for you?

Me: (thinking to self: are you the only one in the world who gets to enjoy the breeze of a ceiling fan?) (says through clinched teeth): I'm having a hot flash...leave it on.

Tom: What's the difference between being hot and having a hot flash?

Me: (thinking to myself: usually I don't want to find a blunt object and beat you upside the head with it when you ask me questions when I'm just hot) (says through clinched teeth): one minute I'm fine and the next I'm sweating bullets so much so that my clothes are dripping wet.

Tom: Yeah, I guess that would be blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Me: (thinking to myself: where is the closest blunt object)

Tom: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Me: (thinking to myself: I think the last time my underwear felt this wet was the last time I rode the log ride at Six Flags Over Texas.)

Tom: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Me: (looking around at items on table and wondering if hand lotion could be considered a blunt object)

Tom: Sorry you're feeling so poorly.

Me: (thinking to self: that was sweet of him to say...awww) Get! Out! (Geez, did I say that out loud or in my head??? Who cares!?!? How can one person sweat this much??????)

My Black Friday

Chemo tomorrow. This means no blog posts until the sickness calms down. I'm not sure it's any easier now knowing what to expect with each treatment. In someways I think it's tougher...

As He has so far - God will get me through this next very rough week or so. Then I'll be back with bells on.

Help!

All my wonderful cancer fighters out there I need your help! I've lost my sense of taste. Everyday it seems to be getting a little worse. I can no longer taste sweet - chocolate has absolutely no taste and my precious cheesecake tastes like I'm eating a stick of butter. Last night I couldn't taste anything on my supreme pizza except the olives (I hate olives!) and I can still taste sour. Is it possible to reverse this? I'm rinsing with salt water several times a day and brushing my teeth (and tongue) several times a day, too. When I was last at the doctor she confirmed that I do not have thrush again (thank God!)

Advice? Please? I think this is a side effect of Adriamycin (I'm taking TAC, but I believe it's just the Adria that is causing this...I could be wrong)

How I Cope...

Besides being asked how the children are handling my illness (they are great, thanks!), I'm often asked how I seem to cope so well with all this cancer crappola. There are a few days I fall apart, but mostly, I think, I just take each day as it comes. Of course, having a sense of humor helps greatly. After I get a treatment and I'm lying on the bathroom floor enjoying the feel of the cool tile on my face, I think of things that make me laugh. I thought I'd share some examples:

Ok, so here's what happened when we were getting ready to move to Olathe, KS from Topeka...

Our house sold to the first person who looked at it - which was the first week on the market. Tom and I were not prepared for this, so we started working like crazy people to get ready for the move. The worst part of the entire move process was going to be cleaning out our garage. It was an over-sized garage and while we both parked our cars in there, the backside of the garage was wall to wall junk. In Topeka no matter how much trash you put out on trash day the trash men would take it. We decided we had 4 weekends to throw as much of the garage junk away as possible.

I couldn't help much because the garage was just too dusty. But by the time the 3rd weekend rolled around, I realized Tom couldn't finish alone. I donned a dust mask, went out to help finish the nightmare job. As far as I was concerned, everything out there was trash. I paid little attention to what I was tossing quickly away. We worked the entire weekend and got up early on trash day to make sure everything was finally either packed or tossed.

After we finished, and heard the trash men in the neighborhood, Tom decided he had to leave to do some sort of important errands. I peeked out the window to watch the horror expressions of the poor men who were faced with a mountain of junk in front of our house. They took it all; squished it down and went on their way. About 5 or so minutes after the trash truck left I heard the most incredible explosion - it shook the house. Then quiet. Then the sound of firetrucks. I shrugged my shoulders and went about my business in the house...until I saw two very angry looking men walking up to my door.

Crap. They clearly were from the city of Topeka, and I figured they were coming to yell at us for putting too much junk out that past month. Nooooo... that was not why they were there. The conversation went a little something like this:

City Dude: (angry voice) Are you Mrs. Strickland

Me: (trying to decide if I have to answer this honestly or not) Um, yes?

CD: Mrs. Strickland did you throw pool chemicals away today?

Me: (remembering the bottles of pool chemicals Tom had shoved aside, but I tossed without thinking into the trash can.) Hmmm... I'm not sure I did, but my husband - who is not home - might have done that...

CD: Ma'am, you cannot throw something like that into your trash! The bottles opened and once the chemicals hit the water inside the truck they exploded.

Me: (jaw dropped and unable to speak) (at this point I step out of my house and look down the street to where they were pointing) (there was a trash truck being sprayed with water from one of several firetrucks, which was being filmed by many news crew trucks) I... uh... er... umm... whoa... uhhh...

CD: No one was hurt, thankfully, but you have got to be more careful!

Me: Absolutely! I'm so sorry. I didn't know...I mean, my husband didn't know. It was him. Not me. He's not home or he'd tell you he did it. Yep, he did it. Not me. Stop staring at me like that! Fine! It was me! I did it! I exploded a Topeka trash truck! I did it! Me! Me! Me!

CD: Just don't do it again.

Me: You have my word that I will never, ever, ever blow up another Topeka trash truck!**

The following week was our last week in the house and once again we put a pile of junk in front of the house for the trash men to pick up. I carefully peeked out the window when they arrived - I was fearful they would no long take our trash. They took it. But first they grabbed a large hose and sprayed everything down with water before picking it up and throwing it in the truck.

This was the same move in which the moving truck backed into the side of my van and Spike ran away. Moving into a beautiful new neighborhood with a dented up van and running up and down the street screaming for Spike while knocking on doors. We made a great first impression.

My neighbors are amazing. People actually brought us cookies while we were moving in. I want to give a Shout Out to my neighbor/friend Sonya for all that she's done for us since we moved in and especially after finding out I have cancer. I feel blessed to have moved next door to such an awesome family. Thank you!

**I've kept my word and have never again blown up another trash truck. In Topeka.

Tried But(t) Failed!

Last Friday I went to the doctor, because I felt it had been far too long since someone inspect my bottom while trying to make casual conversation with me. Actually, I was having bouts of pain returning. I was informed that a fistula and abscess can return once you've had them while you are going through chemo. Imagine my delight. No, really. Imagine. Gah! The Lord blessed me greatly! No sign of a new abscess! The pain I've been feeling is the original wound - it's not healed completely. In fact, the stitches aren't even dissolved. But no sign of infection!

The sporadic rear pain became, once again, a pain in my butt (so to speak.) Because my wound wasn't healed yet, they could not give me my drug trial med AGAIN. Part of the condition when you join the drug trial is that you will not go longer than a certain amount of time without taking the medicine. Because of my butt surgery, I had already missed two doses of the med (my drug trial med has a side effect of not letting wounds heal - therefore I couldn't take it at all until my bottom was all nice and healthy again.) Friday was my last chance to take the med or be kicked out of the program. I just wasn't healed enough, so Dr Young booted me out of the trial with her snake skinned, slingback, pointed toed, stilettos.

This trial was very important to me, as you will remember. For every other kind of breast cancer there is a drug that can be taken to block the hormone that feeds the cancer. Doctors still have no idea why I got breast cancer, because none of the three hormones feed it. There was hope that my trial med would be the drug that would prevent a return. The percentages for my cancer to return elsewhere in my body are far too high for me to think about most days. Now I'm out of the trial. Now I try not to live in fear. Now I turn this over to God completely or go insane. Insane-er? More insane-er?

This Friday is my next chemo treatment. The dread in my body is overwhelming, to say the least. Three treatments done, three to go. I close my eyes, hold my breath, say a prayer and trudge forward. No more lying down and digging my fingernails into the road while I'm being dragged along. I hate chemo, but I love my life.

It's All Good - Even When It's Bad

I had decided yesterday that I was going to take a break from my laptop. My laptop is my link to nonstop cancer. As you can tell, I've changed my color scheme on my blog page. I got tired of the pink ribbons. I'm tired of all pink things. I'm tired of the musician Pink. (She wrote a song rubbing her ex-husband's face in the fact that she's a rock star. Maybe he was such a lousy husband because all she would do was talk about how she was a rock star and he wasn't.) I'm tired of cancer and all things cancer related.

Taking a break from my laptop probably isn't something I'm going to be able to do. But I am burned out. I have several chemo side effects that are keeping me from going out and frolicking in the sun. Truth be told, yesterday I had decided it was time to just quit chemo. I have a tired that has set in my body and taken control of my life in a way that is impossible to explain. The only people who know what "it's a tired you've never felt in your entire life" means are the ones who have had chemo. I decided before I announced to my family and doctors that I was quitting chemo, I'd test the water with one of my closest friends. The conversation went EXACTLY like this:

Me: After much prayer I've been thinking maybe I'm not going to finish my chemo treatments.

AB: Why?

Me: The side effects are more than I can handle. I've lost my sense of taste; I've got sores in my mouth; my muscles hurts, but especially the ones in my legs - making it extremely painful to walk; my eyes burn, itch and are swollen; and the pain in my rear has returned.

AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you're not quitting chemo.

Me: But all my side effects?

AB: Suck it up - you're half way through.

Me: Ok, but I am going to take a long break from writing in my blog.

AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you're going to keep writing in your blog, because it is extremely insightful and people want - no, people NEED to know how you're doing. Your blog brings joy to millions around the world. Your BFF Kelly thinks she's the smartest woman in the universe, but she's not - you are. People depend on your blog. You will not let them down, Sheri.

Me: FINE! I am going to stop checking my facebook for a period of time.

AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you are going to continue checking your FB. You've reconnected with a lot of old friends and they are praying for you and love you.

Me: (Sigh) All right! I'm having spicy mexican food for dinner tonight.

AB: I'm not going to tell you what to do, but...

Me: I'm standing my ground on this one! Goodbye!

Anyway... I'm not quitting chemo - I'm just frustrated that time isn't going more quickly. This past weekend I asked Tom to get me out of the house. I knew I didn't have the strength or energy to do anything except go for a drive, so that's what we did. It was Sunday and the weather was beautiful. We passed parks and walking trails. I watched people jogging and couples holding hands while walking along. It sent me into a deep self pity. I wanted to be walking outside enjoying the spring temperature. I stared at the people knowing that they weren't even appreciative of doing something as simple as walking outside. I wallowed in my self pity: rolled around in it for hours on end. It took a lot of prayer to snap me out of it. I can now think about the people walking and instead of feeling jealous, I feel happiness that they are able to do something as simple as go for a stroll. It's impossible to be grateful for everything you have and can do; there is way too much we take for granted. If I continue to focus on the positives that have come out of this instead of the negative side effects I'm having, I'll get through this much easier.

Today I'm not going to focus on the fact that I have some major gastric/intestinal issues going on, I'll focus on how bless I am to have indoor plumbing. Mexican food was not a good idea. A good friend would have warned me.

Thanking Pigs

A few days ago I took a nap (side thought: I used to volunteer at my children's school... basically, doing grunt work that the teacher's aids were above. One of my jobs was to staple together several pieces of construction paper in a manner that it looked like a book. The kids would write their own stories about things they have done. When I would hideout take a break in the teacher's lounge, I'd read through a few of the books and there was this one kid's book that read:

Page 1. I

Page 2. took

Page 3. a

Page 4. nap.

Lazy work about being lazy. A fine American.) Now back to me....

I woke up from my nap feeling pretty crappy. I had shaking chills and a pounding headache. Panic set in. If I had had the energy I would have jumped out of bed and ran through the house waving my arms like the kid from Home Alone screaming "I have swine flu! I have swine flu!" I checked my temperature and slid down the stairs to break the news to my dad that I was dying of swine flu. My dad rummaged around til he found another thermometer and took my temperature again. 101. Yep, swine flu.

I called Tom at work and he said he was on his way home and for me to be ready to walk out the door...we were going to the hospital. I can't just show up at the hospital, I have to call and inform them I'm coming...which Tom so kindly did for me ( I couldn't call them cause I was too busy dying of the swine flu, ya know.) My oncologist office called me after talking to Tom and told me under no circumstance was I to set foot in the ER. She went on to explain that ERs are packed with people right now thinking they have swine flu. Those people are stupid, but I am not because I really did have the swine flu. The worst place I could go with a fever is the hospital - they were so overcrowded and full of germs. It was a guarantee I was going to pick up 27 other animal named diseases just by showing up. I was stunned. It was a few day after my chemo treatment and I couldn't go to the hospital? I wasn't allowed? This was crazy. Here's how it works:

1) Go to hospital every third Friday feeling fine and receive poisonous chemo.

2) Go home and throw up for at least 3 days.

3) Sleep and whine as much as humanly possible.

4) Wake up with fever.

5) Go back to hospital to be admitted for a week.

6) Leave hospital with fun butt stories to blog about.

7) Repeat 6 times.

Now they were going to tell me I wasn't allowed near the hospital? I'm supposed to just take my antibiotics at home and NOT have anyone poke at my butt? That's crazy talk.

This blog is dedicated to every hypochondriac in the greater Kansas City area. Thank you.

Also, it should be noted that I do not now, nor have I ever had the swine flu. But I insist I am still smarter than everyone else who thought they had it, but didn't.

Aak!

Short post.

Did get my chemo today, so I'm chocked-full of nausea fun.
Today is also my little man's birthday. My Jacob turns 8. How could this have happened? He wasn't supposed to grow up. We celebrated yesterday since I will probably end up throwing up all my internal organs tonight. No one wants to party with a gal who has no internal organs. It's true. Look it up.