Thanking Pigs

A few days ago I took a nap (side thought: I used to volunteer at my children's school... basically, doing grunt work that the teacher's aids were above. One of my jobs was to staple together several pieces of construction paper in a manner that it looked like a book. The kids would write their own stories about things they have done. When I would hideout take a break in the teacher's lounge, I'd read through a few of the books and there was this one kid's book that read:

Page 1. I

Page 2. took

Page 3. a

Page 4. nap.

Lazy work about being lazy. A fine American.) Now back to me....

I woke up from my nap feeling pretty crappy. I had shaking chills and a pounding headache. Panic set in. If I had had the energy I would have jumped out of bed and ran through the house waving my arms like the kid from Home Alone screaming "I have swine flu! I have swine flu!" I checked my temperature and slid down the stairs to break the news to my dad that I was dying of swine flu. My dad rummaged around til he found another thermometer and took my temperature again. 101. Yep, swine flu.

I called Tom at work and he said he was on his way home and for me to be ready to walk out the door...we were going to the hospital. I can't just show up at the hospital, I have to call and inform them I'm coming...which Tom so kindly did for me ( I couldn't call them cause I was too busy dying of the swine flu, ya know.) My oncologist office called me after talking to Tom and told me under no circumstance was I to set foot in the ER. She went on to explain that ERs are packed with people right now thinking they have swine flu. Those people are stupid, but I am not because I really did have the swine flu. The worst place I could go with a fever is the hospital - they were so overcrowded and full of germs. It was a guarantee I was going to pick up 27 other animal named diseases just by showing up. I was stunned. It was a few day after my chemo treatment and I couldn't go to the hospital? I wasn't allowed? This was crazy. Here's how it works:

1) Go to hospital every third Friday feeling fine and receive poisonous chemo.

2) Go home and throw up for at least 3 days.

3) Sleep and whine as much as humanly possible.

4) Wake up with fever.

5) Go back to hospital to be admitted for a week.

6) Leave hospital with fun butt stories to blog about.

7) Repeat 6 times.

Now they were going to tell me I wasn't allowed near the hospital? I'm supposed to just take my antibiotics at home and NOT have anyone poke at my butt? That's crazy talk.

This blog is dedicated to every hypochondriac in the greater Kansas City area. Thank you.

Also, it should be noted that I do not now, nor have I ever had the swine flu. But I insist I am still smarter than everyone else who thought they had it, but didn't.