I want one day without pain. One day that I don't wake up and and my first thought is that I have cancer. There is a never ending list of things that need to be done and I am just now feeling like I'm physically able to do them. You know how depressing it is to know that in just a few days I've got to have chemo pumped into my body again?It's the pain that is wearing me out right now. Honestly, if it weren't for the stomach and rear end pain, I'd be fine. My bottom hurts pretty much all the time now due to my lovely fissure and screwed up digestive system. I told Dr. Young I was willing to finish chemo before scampering off to get my fissure fixed. I'm really questioning that now. In a matter of a few days my diarrhea is going to get much, much worse. I know with that will come the peel-me-off-the-ceiling fissure pain.
On a brighter note, my energy level is up somewhat. Or it is when I'm not downing so dang many pain pills. Trust me, I know what you are thinking - I'm worried about becoming addicted to the silly things, too! If anyone has any advice to help me get through the pain without the use of percocet and oxymorphone, I am more than willing to listen. I can't sit or lie down in any comfortable fashion anymore. Hours sitting in a hot bath and the ointment just ain't cutting it anymore.
Anywho! With my new found somewhat energy I did get out of the house on Sunday. We went out to eat and then I did a very slow stroll through the mall. I wanted to get out of the house, but I was scared. This was going to be my first outing without hair. I wanted to wear one of my wigs, but I will confess to not liking them very much. I find them hot and itchy. As my scalp gets more used to not having hair, I might be better able to tolerate the wigs. Right now my favorite thing is scarves. They are lightweight, soft, and pretty (wow, did anyone else notice I just described myself?)
So, I went out to eat wearing a scarf on my bald head and my fear came true. I did get stared at. It was a little shocking to look around and see people quickly looking down; to see people staring at me out of the corner of my eye; to see a husband and wife looking over at me and whispering. It's very clear that I have cancer. I look like a cancer girl now. I was uncomfortable (until my big ol plate of ribs came, then I really didn't care about all those people anymore.) I did try to get inside the mind of the people I caught looking. One woman in particular seemed unable to stop looking at me. I finally put myself in her place and saw her sitting there with two young children just as I was. She was probably about the same age as me and perhaps she was staring at a woman that could have easily been her.
I told this to a friend and they said everyone was staring because of my unbelievable beauty. I like that idea better.
Your entitled. Hang in there ;-)
ReplyDeleteIve got some great cheesy stuff to go with that whine...hope your feeling a bit better..hugs, Maire
ReplyDeleteIt is your beauty and yes I did notice you were describing yourself. lol I guess wigs haven't gotten any better. They are itchy and hot and made for people with hair. And the ones that are made for people without hair have the lovely rubber/plastic lining. Which I'm sure feels great.
ReplyDeleteGo with the scarf or nothing. People look, believe me I know. They did it to my mom and they do it to my son. I don't know what to say to make it not hurt, cause after 15 years I still notice. But you know what else I notice? Those that look with a prayer in their eye and a smile on their face.
I can remember walking through a restaurant with my mom and she had a cap on and no hair. Someone was looking and me the mouth says, "it's ok to look she doesn't have any hair." I got the Aaaaamyyyyyy! lol Well! But I do think it's what you saw, people who are thinking their problems really aren't much, and maybe thanking God they are healthy and saying a prayer that you are getting that way.
I'm sorry you are in pain every day. Maybe you should have the surgery. Chemo is bad enough it doesn't have to be worse. Don't worry about the drugs, take as many as you need. It you start liking them too much, we'll be there for that too. I think it's better to not hurt as much as you can.
I knew you would be beautiful without hair. Do you have big earrings? I think every bald woman needs big earrings.
you're still as beautiful as ever...inside and out.. stay strong Sheri..
ReplyDeleteKelly~
SHERI:
ReplyDeleteCONVEYING MY THOUGHTS TO YOU USING MY POETRY WRITING. THIS IS THE FIRST SHORT POEM I HAVE WRITTEN IN A WHILE. HOPE IT LETS YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IF I DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH DAILY YOU ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND AND IN MY PRAYERS.
BALD IS BEAUTIFUL,
AS CAN BE SEEN THROUGH YOU.
THOSE PEOPLE THAT STARE,
PROBABLY DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
MAYBE THEY HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS,
OR ADVISE THEY WOULD LIKE TO GIVE,
OR PRAYERS THEY HAVE BEEN PRAYING,
ABOUT THE LIFE YOU ARE BEING FORCED TO LIVE.
THE RIGHT WORDS ARE HARD TO FIND,
TO LET SOMEONE YOU LOVE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL,
WHEN THEY'RE GOING THROUGH A LIFE ALTERING
EXPERIENCE,
THAT IS SO UNFAIR AND SO UNREAL.
YOU MAY GET YOUR FAITH AND COURAGE,
FROM STRANGERS, FRIENDS AND THOSE YOU LOVE,
BUT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT IS,
YOU WILL GET YOUR STRENGTH FROM THE LORD ABOVE.
I'm with you on the wigs. Nasty things when you have no hair. There's these little mesh/nylon caps that are supposed to help. I've never tried them but it was suggested.
ReplyDeleteTake your pain pills. Don't worry about addiction. You will be reaching a point here soon where you don't need them and you'll be able to slack off. My whole family worried about addiction more than pain. Dumb but true.
I'm all for the whine and cheese department being open daily for us BC patients. Whine away!!
Sheri, your cancer has been removed. This adjuvant therapy is a combination of preventative and active treatment. Take strength from that. You're taking an aggressive approach to your situation and that's an admirable thing. I promise, you will wake up and not feel like a cancer patient. You're doing everything you can to be cancer free.
Take care of you,
Sharon
Your are beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteTAKE THE MEDS! Whatever helps you get through with some element of sanity! This is about quality of life and the fact that you're worried about it means you'll wean off of them quickly when you are done with them. You don't need this pain and dealing with two kids too. I'm glad you were able to get out and eat and enjoy a meal! It took me a while to adjust to stares....she may have been feeling badly for you but she may have also been trying to get enogh courage to tell you she's been through it too! Be brave, it gets easier.
ReplyDeleteCommented before I saw the rest of your post, sorry! Hey, you have a nicely shaped head there girl, and you do look beautfiul, trust me, not everyone does bald (including me, wierd looking head)
ReplyDeleteAny oncologist or staff worth their salt will encourage you and help make you as comfortable as possible with whatever meds it takes to do this. Heard this right out of my oncologists mouth. You can be weaned later, when you dont need them. They are giving my hubby oxycodone liquid in 2 bottle supplies, great stuff.
Take each day one at a time.
Hugs Maire
Oops, I also commented when I thought there was only going to be a title LOL.
ReplyDeleteYou look great. You have one chemo done. That's one less you have to do. I found it helpful to count down my chemo's. I wouldn't worry about the pain medication for now. When I had my mastectomy, my doctor told me she never saw anyone that needed pain medication for so long ;-)
Just keep hanging in there. YOU WILL get through this.
Oh, woman, you are bringing up some memories for me. ..the first outing after the shave and the fissure. Both are painful in different ways.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very nice shaped head and look beautiful without the hair. Once you get "comfortable" going out in scarves, put your sassiness on and stare back at those lookers. You're not being mean, but it gives the feeling of power back to you.
Now that I am going "natural", I have found myself looking at women with scarves or hats. I'm not really staring, but sort of am. I want to go up to the woman and tell her that she will make it through. The "what if" kicks in - what if she doesn't have chemo, maybe it's alopecia. Next time, I'm just going to be sassy bold and walk up to them. I could have used the kind words!
I will send you a recipe for a sitz bath herbal tea that I used for the fissure/ hemorrhoid. It worked miracles!
Huge hug being sent your way!
~Renee
You can do this.
ReplyDeleteLove Renee xoxoxo
dear Sheri,
ReplyDeleteyou're doing a great job .
my stepmom is a breast cancer survivor.
I really like your honesty and of course I wish that you had no pain too
sigh
hugs
are you doing chemor and radiation therapy? have you heard of non invasive therapy/
please come by Lurkynat
natalie
You are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteGlad you got out and enjoyed yourself
Hugs
Terri